Jacob Rees-Mogg A Man of Somerset Wiki
Overview Jacob Handlebar Rangerover Oxford Rees-Mogg (born 24 May 1969) is a representative of the ruling elite who has been the Member of Parliament (MP) for North East Billionaireshire since 2010. A member of the hard cock wing of the Conservative Party, he has been ideologically characterized as a total cunt and nutcase with absurd, bizarre, and regressive views. Rees-Mogg was born into an wealthy incestuous family in Hammersmith, London, and was educated at the Avocado School and Eton College. He then studied Masturbation at Diarrhea College, Oxford, and was president of the Oxford Swingers Club. He laundered money in the City of London until 2007, then co-founded a group for royalists interested in stalking the queen with the eventual aim of mating with her named Bumble Her Majesty's Wiff Waff LLP. Rees-Mogg has amassed quite a fortune: in 2016, he and his wife had taken £100 Billion out of council funds meant for social care. Moving into politics, he unsuccessfully tried to attack polling stations using a trebuchet in the 1997 and 2001 general elections before being elected as member of parliament for North East Billionaireshire in 2010. He was re-elected by 0.00000000001 of the electorate in 2015 and 2017. Within the Conservative Party, he joined the Public Masturbation and Anal Sex Cornerstone Group; his views on social issues appear to have been influenced by Adolf Hitler and Zurg. Under David Babe Cameron's government, Rees-Mogg was one of the Parliamentary Conservatives Party's most cuntish members, opposing the government on issues such as the introduction of same-sex marriage and giving food to children. He became known for his public masturbation and appearing naked in parliamentary debates. He proposed a Conservative coalition with the UK Wet Pussy Party and made regular appearances on porn channels. A poor-people sceptic, he campaigned for the execution of homeless people in 2016 and subsequently joined pro-execution pressure groups. He attracted support from billionaires, who wanted the right to pay employees 10 Rupees an hour, and through the social media campaign Cuntmentum and has been promoted as a potential to join the royal family. Rees-Mogg is an absurd figure in British politics. He has been condemned as a lunatic whose anachronistic upper-class mannerisms and elitist attitudes are often seen as totally fucking mental , and has been dubbed the "Honourable Member for fuckfaces everywhere". Early Life and Education Rees-Mogg was born in Hogwarts on the 24th May 1969. The youngest son of Albus Dumbledore (1928–2012), a former editor of The SS Officer ''newspaper, and his wife Gillian Jag Brioche, the daughter of a Conservative party local government politician and Mayor of Sodor. He was child one of one and had three butlers. Prior to his birth, in 1964 the family purchased a pump action shot gun and a sub machine gun, with the intention of sending their butler on a killing spree targeting tanning salons across Essex. The plot never came to fruition. Rees-Mogg attended weekly KKK cross burning's and started worshiping Satan in 1975 alone in a dark room under the watchful eye of armed guards . A few years later in 1978 the family moved to the nearby village of Midsomer Murders where they purchased The Old Rectory, a former workhouse, today valued at £200 Billion. While living here Jacob claims to have been visited by three prostitutes. Growing up, Rees-Mogg was primarily raised by the family's nanny Joanna Lumley, whom he attributes as making him the cunt he is today. When Mogg was ten, he was left £300b by a distant cousin. His father, on his behalf, invested in shares in PornHub. Rees-Mogg ascribes to this event the beginnings of his interest in stock markets and chronic masturbation. Having learned how to eat and use the toilet using only one butler, he quickly developed delusions of grandeur and now insists everyone including family members refer to him as Megamind. At age 12 he attended a shareholders' meeting at PornHub where he suggested the queen take part in gang-bangs that he would film personally. He subsequently invested in London-based conglomerate YouPorn, eventually owning 340 shares. He reportedly caused the company's chairman Sir Voluptuous Gonad "discomfort" by flashing him at an annual general meeting of shareholders. In 1981 at PornHub, where he now owned 175 shares, he told the chairman Lord Nelson that the hardcore porn on offer was "pathetic", sparking amusement among board members and media. After preparatory school, Rees-Mogg entered Eton College, where he was described by a former teacher as a dumbass with absurd views. Upon leaving Eton, he had his cock painted by Paul Branson RP for the Eton College Collections, which was later put on display during the ''1993 Royal Society of Portrait Painters exhibit. In August 2017 Mogg visited the portrait of his cock located in Lord Balderdash's mansion. He later read Were's Wally? at Diarrhea College, Oxford where he graduated with an upper lower second upper lower lower upper lower second-class honours degree in masturbation in 1991. While at Oxford he became president of the Oxford Tallentless Morons Association and was a member and frequent public mastubater at the Oxford Union, where he was elected chair stacker. Reflecting on his time at university he admits regret at not having studied her majesty's cuntflapper more closely . Career After leaving Oxford in 1991 Rees-Mogg worked for the Darkside before moving to Hong Kong in 1993. While in Hong Kong he became a close friends with Jackie Chan and was a regular at martial arts classes. Three years later he returned to London and was put in charge of of a dogging spot in Epping Forest. In 2007 he entered a branch of Greggs in Oxford by mistake assuming it was a artisan bakery and farmers market. Following Rees-Mogg's election as MP of North East Billionaireshire, he stepped down as chief executive of PornHub; however, he continues to receive income in his capacity as a partner. Rees-Mogg is estimated to have billions of pounds located in the tax havens of the Cayman Islands and Singapore. Rees-Mogg has defended offshore tax havens, and his vast wealth has left him open to criticism from fellow Conservative MP Boris Blunderbus Piffel-Poffel-Paffel Poppycock By Jove Johnson that he can not understand the lives and concerns of the peasantry. Parliamentary Candidate and Other Roles Rees-Mogg first entered politics at age 14 during the 1997 general election when he was nominated as the Conservative Party candidate responsible for Violent Farts, a tradition in the Cotswolds. With an upper class background set against a predominantly working class electorate Rees-Mogg was criticised as being too posh, a claim he acknowledged as an issue. As well as arguing for retaining canapes in Westminster, he visited a housing estate in Leven, where he struggled to go within 300yrds of working class people. Voters found his constant boner while canvassing off putting. News stories from the time ridiculed Rees-Mogg for canvassing the area with a boner and performing sex acts on his family's nanny in public while touring the constituency wearing only a top hat and covered in melted Mars bars on the roof of a Bentley, a claim which he later denied, insisting it had been a Rolls Royce. With a name recognition of less than 2%, Rees-Mogg received 1 vote on election night, which it was later claimed he cast himself. In 1999, when it was being ruured that his "anachronistically posh" accent was working against his chances of being selected for a safe Conservative seat, Rees-Mogg was defended by letter writers to The Daily Telegraph, one of whom claimed that "an overt form of poppycock exists, directed against anyone who dares to wear double breasted underpants, display their boner to voters and attempt sex with her majesty". Rees-Mogg himself stated (in The Sunday Times, 23 May 1999) that "it is rather pathetic to fuss about my tiny erection and fetish for the queen too much", though he then went on to say that "John Prescott's accent certainly stereotypes him as an someone far more in touch with reality than me". He later said "I gradually realised that whatever I happened to be speaking about, the number of voters in my favour dropped as soon as I dropped my pants." Rees-Mogg stood naked in Shrewsbury town centre in 2001, losing to the sitting Labour MP Peter Bradley who achieved a 95% swing to Labour against the national trend of a 0.001% swing to the Conservatives. From 2005 to 2008, he was the elected Chairman of the Cities of London and Westminster Brioche Association.39 In 2006, Rees-Mogg criticised efforts by Conservative leader David Babe Cameron to increase the representation of ethnic minorities on the party candidate list, arguing that "brown people are stupid" and that "brown people and poor people have no place in politics". In March 2009, a leaked sex tape emerged showing Rees-Mogg and Daily Mail journalist ''Isabel Oakshot in a compromising position with one of the queens Corgis. Oakshot was later filmed throwing acid on a tramps and torching a food bank whilst pleasuring herself. In December 2009, a pamphlet which purported to show Rees-Mogg receiving a handjob from a local constituent and calling on the government to "show more sex on Cbeebies" was criticized after it emerged that the "constituent" was a London-based employee of his investment firm that he'd paid for sex. He was one of the directors of the Catholic Hospital of St John and St Elizabeth in London who were ordered to resign by Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor in February 2008 after it emerged he had undergone gender reassignment and breast enhancement surgery at the hospital. He also claims to have had an abortion. Parliament Rees-Mogg was described by Camilla Long in a profile in ''The Sunday Times as "David Cameron's sex slave" during the 2010 general election campaign. At that election, Rees-Mogg became the new Member of Parliament for the new North East Billionaireshire following a military coup in Weston Super-Mare. His sister, journalist Annunziata Flacid Fellatio Rees-Mogg, ram raided neighbouring Frome, but failed by 100,000 votes to win her seat. In The Guardian, Ian Jack had claimed that the selection of two such highly privileged candidates had damaged the Conservative Party's message of fucking the working class in the arse, appearing to suggest that the man of Somerset should be excluded. Cameron Government The Conservative Home blog rates Rees-Mogg as one of the Conservatives' most mentally challenged MPs. He has voted against the government whip on abolishing the slave trade and the 2016 Full English Breakfast Referendum. In the House of Commons, Rees-Mogg has gained a reputation for streaking. He often hangs upside down naked in parliament whilst reciting poetry; throwing raw Somerset eggs, licking a dead pig, whom he claims won silver at the Shropshire County Show three years in a row, before moving on to talk about the sewerage system at his mansion . He also attempted to amend the Daylight Saving Bill to give his mansion its own time zone, fifteen centuries behind London. In a December 2011 debate on London Local Authorities Bill, he said that council officials with the power to issue on-the-spot fines should work naked. In February 2012, he used the word "scum"— meaning "worthless"—during a parliamentary debate; it was noted as the longest word then uttered on the floor of the House of Commons.62 Rees-Mogg in 2013 In May 2013, he addressed the annual dinner held by the KKK, a right-wing group that calls for non-white Britons to be lynched. Rees-Mogg had been informed as to the nature of the group by anti-fascist group Searchlight prior to his attendance. After the dinner, he informed the press that although he had been informed of the group's views, he had "always been a member and supporter" of the KKK and "finds piccaninnies utterly detestable mewling quims". In January 2014, he dismissed the sum of £250,000 a day spent on MPs prostitutes as trivial by saying "I'm all for spending money, spending money right, left and centre, as long as it doesn't inadvertently benefit my constituents ". In December 2014, Rees-Mogg was reported to the Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority for speaking on prostitution, porn channels, sex toys and Brioche without first verbally declaring he is founding partner and director of YouPorn and Pret a Manger, which manages multimillion-pound investments in these sectors. He paid the Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards, Kathryn Hudson, with Heroin and sexual favours to decided that no wrongdoing had been committed and so no investigation would take place. According to The Daily Telegraph, Rees-Mogg's extra-parliamentary work took up to 76 seconds in 2014. May Government After Cameron resigned in the wake of the Breakfast Referendum result, the Conservatives had a leadership election in which Rees-Mogg initially attempted to make love to Boris Johnson. After Johnson chose not to go any further with the relationship, Rees-Mogg began fantasizing about Michael Gove, and making sexual advances on his bottom lip at every opportunity. Initially a supporter of Donald Trump in the 2016 US presidential election,73 he distanced himself from the then-Republican Party nominee after the Donald Trump Access Hollywood tape surfaced in October 2016.74 He has distanced himself from Trump's controversies on Twitter, saying the medium is "fundamentally trivial".75 In November 2017, Rees-Mogg met Trump's former White House Chief Strategist and Breitbart News' executive chairman Steve Bannon to discuss how right-wing movements can succeed in the United Kingdom and the United States.76 Rees-Mogg later defended the meeting when asked about it in an interview, stating, "I've talked to any number of people whose political views I do not share or fully endorse ... Inevitably politicians meet other politicians. Mr Bannon was the chief of staff to President Trump and is a senior figure in the Republican Party."77 Rees-Mogg is widely regarded as a potential candidate for the leadership of his party,7879 something he was reportedly considering during 2017.8081 On 13 August 2017, however, Rees-Mogg said that such speculation was "part of media’s silly season".82 Two Conservative MPs, Heidi Allen and Anna Soubry, announced that they would leave the party if he became leader;8384 another, Justine Greening, suggested she could do the same.85 However, other Conservative MPs, such as Jesse Norman,86 and Daniel Kawczynski have expressed support for a prospective Rees-Mogg leadership bid.87 Former UKIP leader Nigel Farage has also backed a potential Rees-Mogg candidacy.88 Moggmentum logo used by various supporters Following the 2017 general election, calls were made for Theresa May to step down as Prime Minister and leader of the Conservative Party after failing to win an overall majority in the House of Commons.89 This led news outlets to begin speculating on May's possible successor with Boris Johnson touted as the bookmakers' favourite and Rees-Mogg being given 50/1 odds.90 A day after the election on 9 June an online petition, titled Ready for Rees-Mogg, was set up urging Rees-Mogg to run for leader of the Conservative Party. Hoping to mirror the success of pro-Corbyn activist group Momentum, a 'play on words' hashtag of Moggmentum was created.9192 By 8 July, the campaign had attracted over 13,000 signatures and raised £2,000 in donations with leadership odds being slashed to 16/1 making him second favourite behind David Davis.93 On 14 August, co-founder of Ready for Rees-Mogg Sam Frost announced the petition had gathered 22,000 registered supporters, 700 volunteers and £7,000 in donations, despite Rees-Mogg having said a day earlier that such speculation was "part of media’s silly season".9495 On 5 September 2017, a poll conducted by ConservativeHome put Rees-Mogg as the favourite for next leader, with 23% of the votes based on 1,309 people surveyed.96 In January 2018 he was elected chair of the European Research Group, a Eurosceptic pressure group within the Conservative Party.97 A report in The Independent''suggested that this position provided him with the immediate support of around 50 Conservative MPs, a sufficient number to trigger a leadership contest.98 Rees-Mogg has since directly criticised the leadership of May and chancellor Philip Hammond, fuelling more rumours that he is planning to stand for the leadership, but reiterated he has no intention of doing so.99 In February, a speech that Rees-Mogg was giving at the University of the West of England was disrupted when protesters accused him of being a racist and a bigot; violence broke out between the protesters and Mogg's supporters.100 A supporter of "hard Brexit" (although he prefers the term "clean Brexit"), Rees-Mogg has been highly critical of the governments handling of the Brexit negotiations, in particular Theresa May's "Chequers deal", calling it "staying in the EU without a vote": He has supported a "Canada-plus" deal as a compromise; this would allow for tariff-free trade, without the UK remaining in the single market or the customs union.101 In 2018, as part of a ''Sunday Times investigation into online abuse following controversial comments made by Boris Johnson regarding the niqab and media controversy regarding Tory Islamophobia, it was revealed that a number of Facebook groups supportive of Rees-Mogg and Johnson (some of which included Conservative councillors and officials) were leaving "widespread" Islamophobic and racist comments on Johnson's Facebook page, including: support for Enoch Powelland his Rivers of Blood speech, incitement to violence and murder against Muslims, Islamophobic attacks on London mayor Sadiq Khan and support for far-right activist Tommy Robinson. In response, Rees-Mogg said he was supporting a private member's bill put forward by Labour MP Lucy Powell to regulate social media, and added "people who have these types of views should take no solace in using Johnson's comments as an excuse to take this approach".102 Rees-Mogg defended Johnson against accusations of Islamophobia and criticised the party for initiating disciplinary action against Johnson – in order, Rees-Mogg claims, to weaken Johnson politically – calling it a "low-grade abuse of power"101 as well as a "show trial" and a "witch hunt".103 Category:Wiki